For most of my life I felt unattractive. Ignored. Passed over. I was always the friend, never the one they looked at. I thought that was just who I was. Then in my late 40s I figured out what attractiveness actually is. Here is what I learned.
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For as long as I can remember I felt invisible. Not in a dramatic way. In a small quiet way. I would walk into a shop and no one turned their head. I would walk out and about in the world and I might as well not have been there. That was my whole life. I got so used to it I stopped noticing.
I had been invisible for the last decade before I saw myself in the mirror one morning and did not know the woman I had become. She looked away when she saw people. She dressed to disappear. She stood at the edge of every room she was in. I had done that to myself. I had not even known.
Then last spring I met a woman at a gathering. She was in her 60s. She was not pretty in the ideal magazine picture way. But men could not stop looking at her. Women stopped to talk to her. I asked her later how she did it. She said one thing. She said she did not allow herself to be invisible. She walked in. She talked to people. She looked at them first. That was it. I asked her the rest of my questions anyway. She gave me the answers. I tried them. Here is what changed.
"always been the friend, never the one. put this on for a work thing and a coworker said i smelled amazing and did not stop looking. that was new for me haha. also the books are sooo good…" Saskia
5 things I learned. In this order. Read them slow. Read to the end.
1) Attractiveness and sex-appeal are not about looks.
I know that sounds like a line from a book you would roll your eyes at. It is not. The woman I met was not thin. She was not what people call pretty. Men could not stop looking at her. It was not her face. It was the way she carried herself. She was just sensual. The way she looked at people. Small things. Anyone can learn them. Nobody is born with it. It is not the weight. It is not the wrinkles. It is not the age on your driver's license. It is who you are in the room. You learn to be sensual the way you learn to walk. One small step at a time. Start today.
2) It is how you show up. It is spiritual.
This is the part that took me the longest. It is inside you before it is outside. Take care of yourself. In whatever way is yours. A long walk. A long bath. A book you love. A garden you tend. A song you sing loud in the kitchen. Rest. Sleep enough. Move your body in a way that is not a punishment. Dress like you are not hiding. Own the body you are in today. Not the one from 20 years ago. This one. When you carry yourself like you matter, people feel it before you say a word. Men feel it too. In ways that surprise you. In lifts. On buses. In shops. The energy does the work. Show up like you are worth being here. Because you are.
3) Stop making unattractiveness your identity.
This is the hardest one. And the biggest one. I felt invisible for years. And then I made myself invisible. I would not wear the shirt I liked. I would not stand where the light was. I would not speak up. I did all of it TO myself. The truth is what someone told me the first time I could hear it. A lot of what we call being invisible is not something that happens to us. It is what we do to ourselves. It is a story we tell so many times our body starts to believe it. Being ignored once at 41 becomes I am the kind of woman who gets ignored. Being turned down at 32 becomes I am the kind of woman who gets turned down. Stop telling yourself that story. Not out loud only. In your head. When you catch it, name it, and put it down. You are not that woman. You never were. You just told yourself you were for so long you forgot the truth.
4) Speak first.
In the shop. In the lift. At the desk. Once a day. Once a room. Say hello. Ask a small question. Comment on the weather like the older women do. It sounds like nothing. It is not nothing. The person who speaks first is the one taking space. The one being seen. The one owning the room. Do this every day for a week and something in you shifts. You stop waiting to be seen. You start seeing. And people start seeing you.
5) Wear the thing that makes strangers turn.
The last thing I did was for me. Not for a man. Not for a night out. For a Tuesday. I put on a scent I had saved for a day that never came. And I wore it. To the corner shop. To the doctor. To a walk on my own. That week a stranger at the bakery leaned over and asked what I had on. A woman I had never met at the coffee shop said I smelled beautiful. Then a man at the door held it open a second longer than he needed to. I do not know if it was the scent. I know it was the day I stopped hiding from the room.
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One of us walks into a room and no one looks up. One of us shares a bed with a man who stopped noticing. Different silences. Same fix. Take yours. Keep both.
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I own it. I needed it. It was part of my spiritual growth.
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